Dearest friends, we know the fashions of Tyria have been vast over these last few years. Styles come in forms that have influences in culture, important world events or nods to the past. As a true fashionista I need to look at these styles. As a hero of fashion I need to tell you about them. So join me, my dearest and well-dressed friends, in a session of window-shopping as we look over the Black Lion’s newest armor lines: The Incarnate Light Armor, the Strider Medium Armor and the Rampart Heavy Armor.
Incarnate Light Armor
Men, I think if we all look back and think hard enough we will recall that the V-neck style was never fashionably acceptable. Who was the designer who thought, “You know what looks good? A large pop-up collar. Though, I don’t like buttons. So let’s just leave the front open as if we were like Vabbians of old and lounging by some massive pool while our man servant feeds us hand-peeled grapes.” I like the fine sight of a man’s chest but please don’t do this to me, men. You’ll have to make me choose between fashion and those abs. I just don’ think I can set aside fashion.
Ladies, did you really sit down at the mirror one day and ask yourselves if a bikini top, sleeves attached to nothing and a chin-high choker was exactly what was missing in your wardrobe? Maybe you thought,” I’ve exposed all this flesh above the waist. Maybe I should keep in sensible with these knee high boots, thigh-high stockings and end it all with hose and some extravagant and frilly skirt.” If you did think these things please allow me to enter your wardrobe and promptly set it all on fire. I'll only do it because I love you and want to protect you from these horrible decisions.
Furthermore, tell me what these facial fins are for? Are we trying to look like the krait or largos? I just cannot understand why the designers decided that gluing some random bits of plastic to our face was in style. Bring back the face paint and masks so I can put on a true war face.
Strider’s Medium Armor
You know what you leather-clad adventurers want? You want gigantic shoulder-pads with faces on them. You know what else you want? More belts. Belts everywhere! You clearly need belts on your chest, your hips and sometimes a combination of belting both areas at the same time. Oh, and you need armor on your arms and hands? Ordinarily more belts would be the solution. Let’s try something a bit wild and tie on strips of bark to your arms.
Rampart Heavy Armor
Dears, I just wish I could understand what was going on with that helmet. Did they run out of materials and think that making one eye-hole partially unfinished was acceptable? Maybe all of the helms somehow got damaged in delivery and they are just claiming it is by design. Either way can you imagine what it would look like if it was finished? Oh. My. Gauche. There would be giant well-armored beetles running around like a cockroach swarm. I wonder if the Hylek would chase them around to see if they can get a tasty snack out of those shells.
My lovelies, I promise you that I will bring you more reviews on the plentiful styles of Tyria soon. In particular my eyes have been caught by the fashion of all you heroes out there. I feel a touch of fashion advice is sorely needed for some of you out there. Prepare yourselves in your heroic best! Some of you will be facing my legendary judgment soon.
Let Vichan know if you think he’s right, or just completely doesn’t get it, in the comments section below!